Category: Blog Posts

My New Normal?

Hi everyone. I know I’m super irregular with posting these blogs but mommy duties and writing have been taking up most of my time. I’ve finished my last interracial romance for a while and am currently working on my horror short story, which I might finish this week. Anyway, I wanted to talk about my new normal.

I’d first like to start off by saying I starting writing this blog as I was crying myself to sleep at around 3am a couple weeks ago. I was feeling overwhelmed, and lonely. Plus, my baby hasn’t been sleeping through the night and my husband now works ten hour days. He’s gone before me and our daughter get up for the day and gets home later in the evening, when her day is almost done.

Let me back up a bit, see my husband and I are one of those couples who can be around each other constantly and never feel the need to seek out alone time. Back before the pandemic when we were both working we would go to bed at the same time, he’d take me to work, we would talk on the phone during my breaks, he would pick me up from work and we would spend the rest of our evenings doing whatever before going to bed together.

Then the pandemic hit.

I was laid off first. Three days later we found out that we were expecting our first child. A couple days after that, he was also laid off. That led us to spending the better part of a year(also my entire pregnancy) together. And that became our new normal. We got used to late nights, even later mornings, and just doing whatever we wanted to do.

Then our daughter came and I was never more grateful to have my love than during that time. It was definitely a learning experience being new parents in the midst of a global pandemic. 0/10 definitely wouldn’t recommend it. Becoming parents is already a huge change for anyone. So, to be doing so with everything else so unstable has led to some trying times, i.e., me crying myself to sleep.

Anyway, just recently my husband started this new job that runs from 7am-4 or 5pm with about a 30-45 minute commute. That is a huge chunk of our day that we are apart. Not only that but we went from splitting our parenting duties in half to me taking care of our daughter by myself for over 10 hours a day sometimes.

(BIG SHOUT OUT TO SINGLE PARENTS AND WORKING PARENTS. I AM IN AWE. I HAVE NO CLUE HOW YOU DO IT!)

Though I’m sure it’s much easier when your child sleeps through the night. Which our darling daughter stopped doing right around 7 and a half months, (about a week into this new job for my husband), right around the time she took her first steps.

Our baby is very advanced for her age. Holding up her head at 2 weeks. Rolling onto her back from her stomach at like 2 months. Attempting to crawl at around 3. Rolling from her back to her stomach at about 4 months. Standing on her own at 6 months. And now walking without holding onto anything at 8 months. The problem with her being so advanced is that I’m having to try to keep up with this tiny human who has no self-awareness of the danger this big world poses. Plus, she never sits still! Like ever. She’s been a busy body since her first ultrasound at 10 weeks.

It wouldn’t be so bad if she slept through the night, but she doesn’t. Even now almost 3 weeks later she still wakes up every 2-3 hours through out the night and cries(screams) at the top of her lungs. For those of you who are going to say, oh so its just like back when she was a newborn. NO!! It wasn’t this bad back then. So now I get no sleep because I’m listening for the movements that I’ve come to recognize as the sign she’s about to wake up. And when I do have her settled, my husband’s snoring has been terrible because he’s exhausted most of the time.

So, I’m stressed, sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and just kinda need a break.

There have been so many changes in my life in this very short amount of time that I’ve having a hard time adjusting and crying myself to sleep was the only way I could deal with it at that moment. Of course, I’ve talked to my husband about how I’m feeling but there’s really nothing he can do about it. I can’t ask him to not work. He’s the only one bring in money right now while I look for a job where I can work from home. I’ve been getting a little more sleep, having the baby sleep in her bassinet in the living room but that’s far from a permanent solution.

All in all, the parts of me that make me happiest have been suffering. My writing, reading books, sleeping… All of that has taken a back seat in the last few weeks and I’m just struggling to get back to normal…

Any suggestions?

Being A Published Author

So, I know it’s been a while since I updated my blog. A lot of things have changed. I’m a mother now. Unemployed for the first time in seven years due to being pregnant during the pandemic. It’s weird. I thought I would get so much more done as far as writing and marketing my book but so far being a mother has taken all of my energy and attention most days.

I am finishing up a contemporary romance novel. Just two and a half chapters and the epilogue left to go. I completed NaNoWriMo even after giving birth and with what I’ve done over the last few months, the novel is sitting at a little under 70k words. (YAY ME!!)

On top of that I’ve started a short story that will only be eight chapters that started off as an emoji story, something my husband and I used to do back when I was working. A dear friend of mine and I are planning a supernatural anthology later on, so watch for news on that.

Anyway, it’s been almost a year since I officially published Obsidian Tiger and it still feels like a mistake to have published it. The novel was finished back in 2016, but after having it looked over by a beta reader, it was revealed that maybe it wasn’t as good as I thought it was. So many changes were made and I’m not sure it was for the better.

Will I ever feel good about it? I don’t know. I’m actually thinking of going back and editing it again and releasing it as a second edition. Maybe then I’ll be more motivated to market the book. But as of right now, I’m not sure that I actually like the version I put out. And its paying hell on my imposter syndrome, truthfully. I feel like I scammed those closest to me who bought copies, knowing that I don’t feel like the book was ready.

Did I rush it because I feel like I should have published something before now? Maybe. How do people deal with this?

I think traditional publishing eliminates some of this feeling as there are so many more eyes on the manuscript before it’s available for purchasing, maybe one day I’ll know for sure but as of now, I’m just struggling to feel like I’m not a fraud.

Anyone out there feeling like this? I know I can’t be the only one… Maybe I am…

Signed,

A Newly Published Author

To Be or Not to Be Disappointed

I’ve been wondering what my first ever blog should be about and was finally struck with a real bit of inspiration in the form of a wave of despair that came over me almost a week ago. To give some background I’ve never been particularly concerned with if my writing is the best because writing is something you get better at the more you do it and at 12 odd years in I think I’m actually starting to hit my stride and finding my writing style but there’s always been something else holding me back from becoming serious about my writing and making an attempt to publish. That’s what this first blog post is about: support or lack thereof.

Way back when I was in middle school, when I first started writing with a friend of mine, I always had people asking to read my stories. Of course, they were mostly trashy little shorts, sure to catch the attention of a bunch of hormonal teens. Still, it felt so good to have people asking when I was going to write more and telling me how good something was. I didn’t mind that I wasn’t making money off of it as I figured no one was going to publish the trashy fiction written by a 12/13 year old girl from Milwaukee, Wisconsin so what did it matter.

Then in high school it was much the same even though I didn’t get to major in creative writing because I missed all of the auditions, I still kept writing and receiving great feedback from my English teachers, friends and peers who read my work. By this time it was more refined with more story than trash and I was seriously considering writing as a full time job once I was done with school. Again it wasn’t really even about the money but doing something I loved verses working for someone one else doing something I hated.

After high school is when I noticed the drop off. Social media is supposed to be the easiest way to share and promote yourself but I can’t tell. I finished my first book and asked for readers. I got offers, sent it out and never heard anything back. Like okay what was the point? If you didn’t like it just say you didn’t and give me some feedback. And then I joined my first creator group and felt like I was home. The feedback, and overall support… not to mention these were all people like me just in various stages of their writing careers. I loved just getting advice from them and that’s where I first heard it.

They always say you shouldn’t expect your family and friends to support your writing but if they won’t why would a stranger. And that’s the thing I’ve been struggling with since a friend of mine decided to publish her first book. I see the support she gets from her friends and family and it gives me the warm and fuzzies. I’m so glad I get to watch her on this part of the writing journey and I’m glad I get to be a part of the support she’s receiving. I was just wish I had a level of support close to that. Don’t get me wrong between her, my husband and a few other friends and writers (mostly people I’ve never even met IRL), I know I have support, I guess I just wish the people who said they support me and enjoy my work would actually show it.

So to be or not to be disappointed comes from my firm belief that you should always hope for the best but expect the worst. That negative outlook has kept me from being disappointed so many times during the darkest moments of my life that even now that things are going so well for me in most aspects, I still find it hard to shake myself from thinking this way. Look at it as self preservation of my psyche and it’s the number one reason that I haven’t published any of the 5 manuscripts I’ve finished in the last 4 years. I don’t know if I can handle the crushing disappointment of something I poured my heart and soul into like my first novel completely failing.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know writing is all about rejection and falling completely on your face but that’s supposed to be to the outside world right? Not your nearest and dearest? Anyway it was those same people I’ve never met who actually convinced me to take the leap and publish my first book. I know they’ll support me even if it’s just spreading the word and as of the moment that’s good enough for me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is the same thing those writers from my various groups: don’t be disappointed if those closest to you don’t read or buy your work. There will always be someone interested in what you have to say. There will always be someone rooting for you even if don’t know them. I’m taking the leap and I encourage you to do the same. You may end up surprising yourself and others.